For all those people who scratch their heads and wonder about why smoke alarm batteries always quit in the middle of the night I finally have the answer.
It’s a conspiracy.
Whether it’s the Elf on the Shelf that did it or whether there are tiny, tiny little people, maybe even gremlins I’m convinced something is up.
It’s the only conclusion. It has to be.
After many sleepless nights over the last several days take this as a warning to others who may find themselves in similar situations.
To begin. Don’t ever expect batteries to fail during daylight hours or before your head hits the pillows. In most cases batteries seem to be somehow hooked into the eyelids of the oldest person at the residence. It is important to note that batteries will only go off and wake the oldest person at the point you are in the deepest sleep of the evening. It must be a wi-fi thing? Likely between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m.
Having four smoke detectors in our two storey house the next problem is finding the damn one that is beeping.
It is important as you walk down the stairs to occasionally vent with numerous colourful words. This can have a positive/negative effect. It forces your brain to think, eventually getting you out of your deep sleep and I’ve found through trial and error it warns the tiny buggers your coming and the periodic beeping seems to be less consistent.
The best place to stand to determine which one is beeping is the middle of the home, generally on the main floor. With detectors located in the basement, main floor and second floor it gives you the false sense of security you will find the failing detector before it eventually beeps for the final time.
In some cases depending on your height you may be able to reach the small white circular object hanging from the ceiling, but in most instances a chair is needed.
Warning. Don’t be ashamed to turn on lights in every room you enter. It may save a trip to the emergency room after unexpectedly finding a child’s toy.
When you’ve found the proper detector that is beeping you may think this is the “eureka” moment. Don’t think for a moment this is the case. You are in no way near completion.
If you haven’t located batteries before this time – let the fun begin.
Scrummaging through various drawers you will have more lows than highs with discovering batteries of every size. Some appear to have been hiding for several years as they are leaking a substance that feels like sand.
Now that you’ve found three. Yes three double AA batteries (since you buy batteries in pairs I’m not quite sure why they didn’t make the unit for either two or four batteries, but alas, another mystery of the universe).
Separating the obvious bad ones from the perceived good ones gives you something to look forward too. More frustration. After replacement, quickly putting things away you almost race to bed only to hear the blasted beeper once again. The batteries you thought were good – apparently weren’t. And the beeping that only you can hear continues.
Now, fully and completely awake, it’s become a full on mission to get it right. The journey has become a quest.
Trying several other times with different sets of “triplets” for the detector the realization kicks in. All the batteries are dead after being in the drawer for several years.
The detector will have to wait until morning. So much for a restful sleep.
That feeling of what “could” happen and the headlines of how a reporter who covers fires, how a firefighters son failed to protect his family.
Making it through the night, one thing leads to another and the day goes on and eventually into the evening. Passing by the spot where the detector sits in the upstairs hallway on the way to bed, the guilt hits me along with a few more colourful words.
Another less than sleep-full night and the journey continues.
Heading to the grocery store to pick up a few items, batteries at $12.99 were also on the list.
Relieved I’m once again the “good father” I take three out and install them.
Twisting the detector into place in the ceiling outside my daughter’s bedroom, before my first foot hits the ground I hear the sound that will forever be embedded in my soul. “BEEP.”
Perplexed, confused, frustrated, infuriated are just a few of the thoughts that swirl.
It was like the end of a movie when the mystery was solved. When you would have bet your life it was the one you thought was the murderer, but that tiny piece you missed in the movie came back to haunt you and it was the butler who did it. I had that same revelation.
It wasn’t the batteries. It was the damn detector itself.
It was a frustrating but absolutely glorious moment the mystery had been solved. It ranked up there with the birth of my children (kidding).
Having two extra detectors came in handy. Pop the three batteries in and good to go.
Days of frustration – over.
Until a few days ago, when I experience the same “joy” through the night.
Only this time I had the know-how to complete the task.
Last night was the third of four that have been replaced. If I only knew which one was left for my own sanity it would be replaced.
The saga continues.
Author: Pete Fisher
Has been a photojournalist for over 30-years and have been honoured to win numerous awards for photography and writing over the years. Best selling author for the book Highway of Heroes - True Patriot Love
